Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
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living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
*lint rolls you awake*
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.