*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
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When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
I have obtained a hat
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.