Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
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Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you