*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
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“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.