without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
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Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*