I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
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No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Can. I. Help. You.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME