George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
You Might Also Like
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence