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HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/