I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
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The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
just make the entire table out of coaster
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I feel seen.