[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
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Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.