Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
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BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?