My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
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Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
awesome draft from months ago i just found
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.