streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
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[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
#SaturdayBears
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.