Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
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A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Iâm likely to die of a household accident. Iâm certain a spider will be involved.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think heâs possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha iâm shaking but like in a good way
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and sheâll go away.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isnât oatmeal delicious
uber drivers love asking where youâre from even though they just picked you up from there
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. đ
âJesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?â
When someone says they havenât seen the end of a show yet, youâre obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Donât have a nemesis? Make one. Key a strangerâs car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
My daughter just called me âWhatever your name isâ so you know Iâm killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard