LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
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Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Cake safety first. Always.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Meanwhile in Portland…
I’m already scared
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?