Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
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You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Is this you?
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Sniffing the broccoli
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.