Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
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Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.