Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
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X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.