[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
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I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?