What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
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The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.