Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
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Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Stonehinge
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.