Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
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Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it