If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
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“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*