wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
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ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Growing out my freckles.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
My last name is Zilla.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*