Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
You Might Also Like
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.