Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
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Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon