yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
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[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
this FaceApp is creepy af
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?