Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
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worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
when you are just born a rebel
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.