What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
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My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.