My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
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My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
This kid is a star!
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Festive toon…
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Beep beep
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?