Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
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I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
What personal space?
My dog
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
I’d hang this in my house.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.