Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
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*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things