this is me
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Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
jesus, what did this guy do
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Who called it baking and not making love
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.