Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
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Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
being a writer on Twitter:
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.