My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
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I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.