Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
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Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Oh we’ve met.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri