today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
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I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.