In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
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why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.