I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
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Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”