[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
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You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”