Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
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[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get