When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
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a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it