Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
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[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!