[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
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me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.