Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
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Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Tell the colonel to bring it
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
“Theirye’re” problem solved
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…