Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
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Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don鈥檛 even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it鈥檚 impossible to pronounce if you鈥檙e choking.
Can鈥檛, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let鈥檚 do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she鈥檚 pregnant and she鈥檚 not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
What have you done…馃悎馃惥馃ゴ
Sound On..馃攰馃啓
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Don鈥檛 ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won鈥檛 like it tomorrow.
[party city]
employee: you don鈥檛 work here鈥攚hy are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I鈥檝e got stock holmes syndrome
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
ME: Why can鈥檛 I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I鈥檝e put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*