Aight bet
You Might Also Like
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.