I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
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“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.