*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
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showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Just a bush.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.