I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
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if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Cats are still liquid.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
I am, perchance
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.